Saturday, January 30, 2010
Danced with the Devil and didn't like my partner!
I had some things happen in the beginning of my lesson last Sunday that I did not appreciate. By the end of my lesson I felt like crap!! It's happened before but I just threw it off and told myself I was going to be the better person. So I was. This time I wanted to scream at someone! I wanted to scratch that person's eye's out!! I literally was sick inside by the end! I came home frustrated and discontented!! I knew that what I was feeling was wrong and definitely not Christ-like! I knew that I was in the right and could prove it. But what good does that do with someone who is just as stubborn as you are! So I told myself to drop it. I tried really hard-I did, I prayed forever, still I couldn't let go. I cried all day on Monday and was even more bitter and angry. Satan crept in and used that against me. He told me some mean things about myself, I believed him and agreed with him. By Tues. I was ready to tell Keith He could release me as the teacher and call someone else, in fact call the person who thinks he knows everything and would love the chance to show everyone that he does!! Well I realized by this point that I was under the wrong influence and I was allowing him to control me. He was winning this battle, I could feel it, but how to combat him? I wasn't sure exactly, but I knew the first step was to rid myself of these awful feelings. I prayed and prayed to let go of these awful hateful feelings. So I woke up Wed. feeling better, feeling like I should get over this and move on-after all no one even remembered my lessons from 1 week to the next right? I'm the only one dwelling on it. Well it was later that afternoon I received a phone call from someone who was trying to be helpful and supposed to make me feel better. Well guess what all that person did was make all the negativity slip right back in again! Not only was I reminded of every thing all over, that person gave me new material that I hadn't even thought of! Nice!! Well by Wed. night I was back to bawling again, I was back to the fact that for sure I was getting a substitute for this Sunday and never going back. When Keith saw me He knew that I had issues. We talked until 2 am about them. He agreed with me about a lot of things and He did help, however we both came to the conclusion that I needed to teach again on Sunday whether I liked it or not! That was the only way I could fight satan. Perhaps He didn't want me teaching any more, perhaps I bug him, well Hallelujah! Because he bugs me too!! So I determined that I would teach again, if only to spite satan. This thought however, has given me nothing but anxiety! I shake and tear up at the thought of teaching. I finally got up the courage to open that dreaded manual guess what the title is? "If Thou Doest Well, Thou Shalt Be Accepted" I didn't really think that was funny at all!! As I prepared this lesson I realized that I was representative of Cain all week long! I know that I have some changing to do! I don't like it, but I know that the only way to get past this is to face it straight on and keep myself and my negative emotions in check! One thing I realized this week is that as I allowed satan to get into my head I was indeed dancing with him instead of the best lead partner-Jesus Christ, who has the power to make me as mighty as Enoch in my speaking and moving my mountains. Only He can bring me to a higher level than I am currently sitting at. The other guy (satan)isn't even a good imitation. He did nothing for me but make me feel worthless and hateful! I am teaching on Sunday, it definately isn't my best lesson, in fact I didn't put much feeling into it on purpose, I'm going to have a tough time just standing in front of my class, let alone bringing the spirit, I'm afraid the Lord is on His own for that part of the lesson! I know He's capable and will make up all the difference where I am lacking! I know this seems weird to write in my blog but I just needed to vent, get it out, and throw it into cyberspace so that I could have it said and done with!! Wish me luck world, I'm in the process of changing my dance partner!!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
I love you Lazette! Thanks for sharing your story.
Thanks for setting a good example! I know it was probably hard for you to teach today but I said a little prayer in your behalf. I know that you are an amazing person & the best sister.
I AM ONE OF THE SECRET ADMIRERS OF YOUR BLOG. I HAVE BEEN GOING ABOUT OFFENDING PEOPLE JUST LIKE ENOCH...REREAD THAT PART OF MOSES. I TAUGHT GOSPEL DOCTRINE FOR OVER THREE YEARS. I HAD SIMILAR EXPERIENCES AS I TAUGHT...I WOULD SAY I WANTED RELEASED AT LEAST ONCE A MONTH! IT WASN'T ALWAYS JUST SATAN, TOO. I THINK SOME PEOPLE ENJOY RAILROADING THE TEACHER (THEY AID SATAN, TOO) AND THINK OF WAYS TO DO IT. NOT EVERYONE COMES TO FEEL THE SPIRIT--FOR SOME IT IS ENTERTAINMENT, UNFORTUNATELY. I CALL THEM MY HECKLER'S. MY HUSBAND CALLS THEM WOLVES IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING. NOW I AM THE RELIEF SOCIETY PRESIDENT (OUT OF THE FIRE OF GOSPEL DOCTRINE AND INTO THE FRYING PAN OF RELIEF SOCIETY) :) AND THAT IS A WHOLE OTHER MANTLE. YOU ARE THE SPIRITUAL GUIDANCE LEADER OF THE WARD DURING THAT HOUR. SATAN WANTS YOU TO FAIL--HE DOESN'T WANT ANYONE TO FEEL THE SPIRIT. I THINK IT IS A DIFFICULT JOB TO DO THAT EVERY SUNDAY AND KEEP SATAN AT BAY. WHEN I TAUGHT, I HAD A FEW ADVOCATES--THE SMARTEST PEOPLE IN THE CLASS AND OTHER PEOPLE WHO HAVE TAUGHT GOSPEL DOCTRINE IN THE PAST--WHO CAME TO MY AID IN DISASTERS BECAUSE THEY HAPPEN UNFORTUNATELY AND I HAVE TALKED TO THEM ABOUT THIS HAPPENING IN THE CLASS AND THEY WILL TAKE THESE PEOPLE ON, DISTRACT, RUN FLAK, ETC. AND STOP THE SPIRIT FROM LEAVING THE ROOM. THEY HAVE ALSO COME TO MY AID WHEN THE SPIRIT HAS LEFT ME. IT IS VERY HARD FOR ME TO TELL I HAVE THE SPIRIT AS I TEACH AND SEE WHAT THE EFFECT OF IT IS ON THE CLASS SO I RELY ON THEM TO HELP ME GAUGE THIS. I LET THEM BE OPEN WITH ME AFTER THE CLASS AND DURING THE WEEK AND THEY HAVE TOLD ME SOME THINGS--LIKE TOO MUCH TALKING OF ME AND LESS OF THE CLASS OR YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE THIS. THAT HAS HELPED ME...I HAVE ALSO STOPPED THE CLASS AND REDIRECTED THE WHOLE DISCUSSION TO A DIFFERENT PART OF THE LESSON AND JUST LEFT THE WHOLE THING OUT THERE HANGING--I DECIDED THE SPIRIT WAS MORE IMPORTANT THAN CONTINUITY! OR LESSON MATERIAL. ONE TIME I HAD A FIVE MINUTE GO DOWN THE HALL TO THE BATHROOM WHILE I GAVE THEM SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT AND THEN CAME BACK OR JUST READ THE CHAPTER AND THEN LET THEM SHARE WHEN I RETURNED. WHEN I WENT TO THE BATHROOM IT WAS TO PRAY FOR THE SPIRIT TO COME BACK TO ME AND TO THE CLASS. I HAVE ALSO USED THE --YOU ONLY GET TO MAKE ONE COMMENT A CLASS RULE-- WHEN I HAVE RUN UP ON THESE SITUATIONS AND THEN ONCE THEY ARE DONE TALKING, SOMEONE ELSE CORRECTS THEM AND THEY DON'T HAVE A CHANCE FOR REBUTTAL.
I HAVE ALSO HAD MOMENTS WHERE I HAVE STRUGGLED TO HAVE THE SPIRIT DURING THE WEEK. I ALWAYS SAY LORD, YOU CALLED ME, YOU HAVE TO HELP ME. I LIVE CLOSE TO THE TEMPLE SO THAT'S SOMETHING IF I DIDN'T FEEL CONTENT ABOUT THE LESSON ON SATURDAY EVENING--I WENT TO THE TEMPLE OR IF THE LESSON WENT BAD, I WENT TO THE TEMPLE FOR PEACE. I ALSO HAVE HAD MOMENTS WHILE TEACHING WHERE I REALLY HAD DOUBTS ABOUT MY TESTIMONY OF SAY POLYGAMY, BLACKS AND THE PRIESTHOOD, ETC.--WOULD I HAVE BELIEVED THIS-- SO LAST YEAR, IN MAY, I ACTUALLY WENT TO NAUVOO TO STRENGTHEN MY OWN TESTIMONY OF WHAT I WAS TEACHING FOR TWO WEEKS AND WORKED ON MY OWN TESTIMONY.
I THINK YOU ARE AN EXCELLENT BLOGGER ABOUT THE LESSONS...AND I AM WAITING TO SEE IF THE NEW TEACHERS WHO TOOK MY PLACE ARE LIKE YOU! I HOPE SO. SOMEONE SENT ME A CARTOON THAT HAS SATAN AND HE SAYS: OH, CRAP, SHE'S UP! BE THAT KIND OF WOMAN.
Post a Comment